I’m full of nervous energy at the moment.

So much so that I’m reaching one of those points where I have to give up caffeine, because my brain’s so naturally stimulated that caffeine feels suddenly way way too much. I realized this time that this is generally the reason I give up caffeine.

It’s good, or I mean… I force myself to see it as good. But it isn’t exactly pleasant. I feel anxious most of the time. Sex doesn’t clear it, nothing really seems to calm it. I get exhausted but not in a peaceful sleepy sense, more in an I’ve-been-up-for-days-forcing-myself-to-keep-going sense. 

It is, I suppose, a good way to start a name.

Irony is wherever I look at the moment.

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at risk of sounding very pretentious, I am sure that my favourite feeling is really intense sadness. Not anxiety or bleak boredom, but visceral, present, sadness.

I was walking home, and I was listening to a sad song, writing a sad text to someone, and I saw someone who looked like someone I knew, and I got closer (note - I am increasingly unable to tell who people are from a distance) and I took out my earphones and I said hi. They were sat on a wall with someone. I got the feeling I had walked into one of those conversations that one has with another person sitting on walls in the late evening. We talked for a little bit. They seemed sad. They seem quite a sad person in general but today especially sad. They pointed me an exit from the conversation and I took it. Put earphones in, listened to the rest of the song, finished the text message.

Maybe they weren’t sad at all, I don’t know.

Sadness, to me, feels a lot like love feels. 

Isn’t that strange?

So a change of name represents a rejection of a current self.

So what am I rejecting?

(It feels strange to think that I will, before too long, come to think of myself as Caden. It quite a dramatic and psychologically/existentially unsettling thing to change your name. It is kind of like dying in a way.)

I want to find new ways of being with people. I mean this in the sense of being-with. For most of my life there have been more or less four modes of being with people:

• Friend/acquaintance.
• Crush. (Person of primary ‘draw’).
• More-or-less heteronormative lover. (Generally taking up most of my time and energy for people.)
• Ex-lover.

I actually much prefer the last one. My adoration for people tends to really fiercen after the ‘break-up’, at which all implied & accumulated guarantees & commitments are broken off and gotten over. (Also: ex sex is the best sex). ‘Crush’ comes second. 

Where my real problems are is in the primary ‘lover’ type of relationship. I really don’t feel comfortable in it quite often. The reasons why seem murky and complex. I feel like I can’t deal with being ‘something’ to someone. If someone is relying on me for something I feel quite trapped. I need the freedom to be alone when I need to be alone, to be engrossed when I need to be engrossed. This relationship ‘upkeep’ I really don’t deal with well, and I don’t expect from other people. 

It almost makes me want to sabotage my relationships when they get into that stage, but there’s no way of doing that cleanly really.

So I kind of want to avoid that entirely now. I’m not sure how to go about it, as the draw of that heteronormative relationship type is very strong. But something must be done if I am going to have fulfilling relationships that don’t make me feel trapped.

More posts to come on what I am rejecting.

Hi.

I still have yet to change everything everywhere but I’ll get to it.

You will be interested to know that I have been pouring mouthwash on my hair. Why? Because the internet told me to, of course. After a few weeks of having weird sticky waxy stuff in my hair that wouldn’t wash out, I figured I’d consult Dr. Internet. Apparently it’s a mysterious minor medical ailment without any satisfactory explanation (surprise surprise). But perhaps something’s living up there and people said listerine killed it?

Who am I to argue, right?

Increasingly self-conscious about the fact that I look like I haven’t washed my hair in about a week. IT COMES OUT OF THE SHOWER LIKE THIS, HONESTLY. 

It occurs to me that people may assume from this that I am leaving mouthwash in my hair (this is not the case.)

Today was a fairly miserable day. Worked 9 hours. I need to take some time off soon. 

Last day of extensive tech-office work tomorrow.

stuff

mythologyofblue:

“Those who live by the sea can hardly form a single thought of which the sea would not be part.”

―Hermann Broch

I now have a flat closer to the sea than I have ever lived before.

2-3 minutes walk probably, and that’s only because I have to go around a bunch of other houses, it’s about 200 yards in real terms.

Also it’s number 13.

Sweet.